Living With Depression

Did you know a full time care giver to someone with Major Depressive Disorder has a 50% chance of becoming depressed themselves? These discouraging statistics became fighting words for me and a catalyst for change in my life.

When my fourteen year old daughter said to me "Mommy, are you ever going to be happy again?" I knew I was in trouble. I was on a slippery slope and losing ground daily. After having shared my home and my life with depression I was all too familiar with the symptoms of depression and was beginning to see the cloud settling in but out of the mouth of babes...

Because of the unusual circumstances of my life coupled the fact the my husband had suicidal tendencies and had in fact survived two suicide attempts I didn't know anyone that could truly understand. I found myself searching for anyone that could help.

For me counseling sessions left me feeling frustrated. I couldn't seem to get anyone -with the exception of my children who were all living out this nightmare with me and dealing with it in their own way-to understand the bizarre and extreme behavior changes in my husband over the past few years. These counseling sessions were complicated by the fact that they were couple counseling and the last person I felt safe talking in front of was my husband!

In fact it wasn't until after his second attempt I felt I was being truly listened to. That perhaps finally people were starting to 'get it'. Unfortunately by the time I felt had the support I needed I was emotionally unable to access it. My life had become very isolated as I began to navigate through the emotional, physical and financial responsibilities now thrust upon me.

With the exception of a handful of close friendships that I have been able to maintain, I was feeling alone and overwhelmed. I had slipped into survival mode. I went to bed exhausted and woke each day feeling the same way.

I used to have dreams when I was a young mom that I was awakened by sounds in my house but my body couldn't move. I was like a panic stricken horse with my eyes rolling back into my head, straining to see the intruder I knew was in my home. But no act of my will could propel my paralyzed body to move. I knew just down the hall my children were in danger and I was completely helpless to protect them. The reality of living with depression and the panic of my nightmare felt very much the same.

I did then what I know you would have done. I started searching the internet for answers. That is where I found troubling stories and statistics. Most of the information I found to be more discouraging than helpful.

As I said I had already recognized the warning signs of depression in myself and for a short time after reading these articles I felt resigned to the black cloud settling in on my mind. God allowed that pity for about 15 seconds then thumped me upside my stubborn head with a dose of truth and I got mad.

Not mad at God but mad at myself because I almost bought into a lie! A deadly lie at that. Then as the fog started to clear I began to think -as God prompted. Hmmm, depression isn't bacterial...it isn't viral...so the conclusion, as far as I could tell was, if I "caught" depression I had nobody to blame but myself. And if I "caught" and succumbed to depression my children would become emotional orphans.

AINT GONNA HAPPEN!

I'm not saying mental illness isn't real. I believe it is. But just as real is spiritual warfare. There is an enemy to our soul and a mind unprotected is vulnerable. Beloved we must be educated and not ignorant! The mind is a battlefield. I'm not talking psychiatric mumbo jumbo here BUT truth according to the word of God. Our minds MUST be constantly renewed, refreshed and transformed! I didn't say that, God did!

I made a choice. I refuse to be weighted down by my husbands depression. I can't allow that to happen My children are in the gap. I can't fight his mind battles for him but I can fight my own and be transformed in the process. I don't have to be a statistic and I won't be part of the 50%!

I have found a great springboard for transforming my mind by memorizing Romans 12.
I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, [which is] your reasonable service.
And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what [is] that good and acceptable and perfect will of God

Blessings,

Thankfulheart

Yeah it's Like That....

Yeah, it's like that.
One day life makes some sense then you blink and it sends your whole world adrift. Sometimes even being obedient can subject us to gut wrenching pain. I see now why God is called the anchor to our soul.
Without the the gravitational pull of His love and mercy on my soul I would be lost right now.
But I'm not lost~I just have no idea where I'm headed :) Wouldn't it be wonderful if God was like MapQuest? I could type my coordinates (or questions) into 'GodQuest' and a little map with step by step directions would pop up on the screen? "Ahha" I would say,"Now this all makes sense!"
I passed a huge milestone today. How sad it is to see your thirty third anniversary come and go knowing the marriage is over and As I inch closer to the two year mark of my husbands first suicide attempt I know I have another painful milestone ahead.
It seems at time the weight of the whole world is on my shoulders and that every decision I make is life altering. I know some of these decisions will not please everyone. But I am traveling a road no one else I know personally has traveled. I have to find away to move forward and to help my children do the same but I am bound to make some people unhappy during the process.
The only one I can truly please in life and still be myself is God. And I am okay with that. Being a God pleaser often puts us on the wrong side of people, even at times people we love. I wish I had learned this lesson a long time ago but a lesson learned is a lesson owned :)
Blessings,
Thankfulheart

Baby Steps

There have been a lot of changes in my life lately. These are not changes that were planned for by any means and most definitely not changes were looked forward too. But often times changes are cast upon us and it seems we have no choice at all. Thankfully we are not just blown about by the winds of life. There is a divine plan for my life and yours. We may not be able to control life but we do have control over is our response to these bumps and bruises that happen along the way as we try navigate through life.
Recently I had the "opportunity" :) to spend the morning at the Department of Human Services. For me this was a devastating and humiliating experience, a stark reminder to me that my life was not in a place I wanted it to be. It was a reminder that someone in my life had made poor choices and now my security and the security of my children in jeopardy. My faith was being tested.
I had a good cry (Okay more than one cry.) about these turn of events. I mean I had the Waa waa's so bad you would have thought I was dying. In a way I suppose was. My stupid (Yes kids, I said stupid!) pride was again on the alter and it hurt.
After all "I" was at the welfare office...PLEASE! Me?The welfare office was not for people like me.
I had a hundred and one reasons why I shouldn't be there. I looked around through guarded eyes. There were homeless people there and people that smelled funny and people that acted funny. There were people with prison tatts all over their bodies including their eyelids,there were wild children with disconnected parents, jaded employees, and...and...and...."Oh Toto, we're not in Kansas any more! " "Assuredly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little child will by no means enter it."
The only ones that seemed to be enjoying this little adventure were my two precious grand babies. They were oblivious to my pain and embarrassment. They liked the man that smelled funny. They traded smiles with him. They didn't care if he lived in Beverly Hills or a cardboard box. They didn't seem to notice the man with tattoos on his eyelids and the wild children were an endless source of amusement to them.
So what was my problem? You see it really was my problem. My pride had drawn some insidious internal dividing line, like the lines you see on maps that aren't really there.
Perhaps some of "them" had made some bad choices that ended them in this waiting area for desperate people. Maybe "they" had lost a loved one or a job. Aren't most of us a paycheck or two away from losing everything? Perhaps they had worked hard all of their lives but had a son or daughter that good hooked on drugs and now they had the to assume the responsibility of raising grand children or great grandchildren.
I suppose if I could have thrown off my self pity for two minutes together I could have connected with some of them. If my better than attitude would have been left outside I could have seen with Christ's eyes for just a moment.
"...whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little child..."
Oh how grown up my heart had gotten! From my place on the map it was okay to cross the line to help others or befriend the down and out as long as I was able to cross back over into my safe place. You see I had security. I had a warm home, a dependable car and a steady paycheck.
It feels good to help others BUT is it truly loving them? Poverty can be a great equalizer. Strip away the pretense and you'll find people are all pretty much the same.
Humanity-that is what the God Man was so irresistibly drawn to. He loved broken people. How often had I read "and He had compassion..." Where was my compassion that day? Why did it have to take having everything stripped away for me to see the truth that was in my own heart?
I wasn't seeing others with the precious eyes of Yeshua! I was the rich young ruler who couldn't truly follow Yeshua because he couldn't walk away from his earthly good! I was the brother to the prodigal that couldn't overlook the stench of pigs.
Oh, Heavenly Father forgive me for closing my heart to the many opportunities you provide for me everyday to love the way you do. Thank you for your precious
Holy Spirit that desires truth in our inward parts. Open my heart...I want to be a baby :)
Blessings,

Is Someone You Know Depressed?

Do you know someone who may be suffering from depression? If you or someone you know has one or more of these symptoms of depression occuring for nearly every day for at least two weeks please seek help. IT IS IMPORTANT TO KNOW THAT IF SOMEONE IS SERIOUSLY DEPRESSED THEY MAY NOT BE ABLE TO SEEK HELP FOR THEMSELVES!

*Depressed mood most of the day; feeling sad or empty, tearful
*Significant loss of interest or pleasure in activities that used to be enjoyable
*Significant weight loss (when not dieting) or weight gain; decrease or increase in *appetite
*Difficulty sleeping or sleeping too much
*Agitation; or slowing down of thoughts and reduction of physical movements
*Fatigue or loss of energy
*Feelings of worthlessness or inappropriate guilt
*Poor concentration or having difficulty making decisions
*Thinking about death or suicide

A person struggling with depression may lose interest in their personal appearance and activities the used to enjoy. The depressed person may not be aware they are depressed.
Depression is more than being discouraged or in a blue mood. Depression can be a dangerous life threatening illness.

Finding Comfort in the Word

My heart aches so much. I have nowhere to go but to you Lord and the comfort of your Word. Your letters of love remind me how precious I am to You. Comfort me in my brokeness and strengthen me with Your strong right arm.

O LORD, You have searched me and known me.

You know my sitting down and my rising up;

You understand my thought afar off.

You comprehend my path and my lying down,

And are acquainted with all my ways.

For there is not a word on my tongue,

But behold, O LORD,

You know it altogether.

You have hedged me behind and before,

And laid Your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;

It is high, I cannot attain it.

Where can I go from Your Spirit?

Or where can I flee from Your presence?

If I ascend into heaven, You are there;

If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.

If I take the wings of the morning,

And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,

Even there Your hand shall lead me,

And Your right hand shall hold me.

If I say, “Surely the darkness shall fall on me,”

Even the night shall be light about me;

Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You,

But the night shines as the day;

The darkness and the light are both alike to You.

For You formed my inward parts;

You covered me in my mother’s womb.

I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

Marvelous are Your works,

And that my soul knows very well.

My frame was not hidden from You,

When I was made in secret,

And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.

Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.

And in Your book they all were written,

The days fashioned for me,

When as yet there were none of them.

How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!

How great is the sum of them!

If I should count them,

they would be more in number than the sand;

When I awake, I am still with You.

Thank You for the assurance that according to the promises in Your Word, I am certain that You will never leave me or forsake me.

Dry my tears Father God and encourage me. Abba please show me a sign for good. Amen.

Night Watches

I woke up from a dead sleep the other night. I felt God wanted me to pray. There was nothing in particular bothering me. (Because it was about me I am ashamed to admit!) I rolled over and went back to sleep only to be awakened again a short time later. Being the spiritual person I am ~I again wanted to go back to sleep.
"It's an invitation" the Spirit whispered. So I went to my knees and the reward was mine :)


The Lord had me praying for people very far away. I couldn't see their faces but someone was crying out to God and He had invited me to join with them in prayer. I sensed the urgency of their need as the Spirit again spoke "They are fighting for (or over) water." In my mind I saw the dryness of the land.


I take water for granted. I turn on a faucet and water shows up right on schedule. But what if there was no water? Not just at the faucet, what if there was no water for miles. What if when you did find water it was dirty and contaminated. What if your cup held death instead of life.
Water will not only be a tangible reminder to pray those who struggle for every drop of the life giving liquid. But also a reminder that God prompts us to pray for a reason. Accept the invitation!


Blessings,


Thankfulheart

After posting this I went on line to see if there was a more tangible way to help.
http://www.waterwellsforafrica.com/theneed.html

Tendrills and Training

Morning glories are such a delight, greeting me each day with beautiful purple blooms that last until the heat of the day. I like things that make me smile, morning glories do that ;) they make me smile.
A garden was school for the fist of human creation. Yahweh himself taught lessons on life and love from the pages of His creation. Creation is still an able teacher that by design in meant to point us to an all loving God.
My humble patch of terra firma is also a classroom and lessons are taught and learned every day as I tend to the green things under my care. Morning glories have been the textbook lately.
These heart shaped plants sprung up all around my yard voluntarily from last year's plants and I've transplanted many of them along the fences are trellises. Once established they need little encouragement they not only grow-they move! I watched daily as watched as they climbed up and stretched out, their little arms searching for something-anything to grab ahold of!
Then they begin to twist and they begin to curl their subtle little stems around whatever unsuspecting support they have managed to latch on to. Ideally the support is a fence or an arbor thoughtfully prepared ahead of time. Usually though the trelllis is the branch from a near by tree or plant, a garden tool, a bike or toy, a watering can or a slow dog. Anything left unattended for a day or two can easily become their support system.
Here-in lies the problem. Not everything these curling, tendrilling vines catch hold of can help them reach their objective. If a vine gets attached to some movable object that has been in a dormant state for too long it may find itself damaged, torn or even ripped up by the roots when the unknowing host moves again.
Another danger is that the morning glory often wraps itself around a helpless garden neighbor slowly strangling it to death or it curls around it's own self becoming a tangled mess of green vines that are easier to rip up that to sort out.
There have been many mornings I have spent hours training these vines to grow up fencing and arbors in order to make pretty garden walls but I can't even begin to tell you how much more time I have spent trying to patiently untwist the vines that had gone their own way.
Gone their own way...untrained..." Train up a ( let's use the word heart here!) train up a heart in the way he should go"...something was finally making sense.
The Greek word epanorthosis (correcting) means restoring, setting straight or untwisting.
SO-if I am not training my heart (or the heart of my children) if I am not providing a strong arbor for it to curl around and diligently watching for wayward patterns (in their nature and attitudes as well as my own) I am allowing an opportunity to become twisted and tangled up in things that are not only undesirable but dangerous.
Father God give me the wisdom that can only come from you to carefully train the hearts and wills of my children and to be diligent with my own growth and development!
Blessings!

Complaint Department

WOW! Reading through the bible in 90 days is almost too fast to go through the Word. There are so many treasures and I want to dig them all up and have a look but there just isn't time. Occasionally a segment of scripture will jump out at you, almost as if it were electrified in some way and you have to stop and visit there for a while because you know you have stumbled upon something that's meant for your heart and not just for your eyes. Exodus 16:7&8 was that little chunk of wisdom that needed to soak down into my heart this week.

..."for the LORD hears your complaints which you make against Him. And what are we? Your complaints are not against us but against the LORD.”

ALL of those little complaints I harbor against the slow waitress, the thoughtless driver, the cranky child in the theatre, the rude person at the grocery store -verbalized or not - those complaints are really complaints against God! God sovereignly placed each of those people in my life for His purpose.

His purpose is to produce good fruit in my spirit and each of those people (and circumstances) was strategically placed along my path by a loving God to produce a bumper crop of love, joy, peace, long -suffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,gentleness & self-control in my life. Did I mention long-suffering and self-control?

Scripture is always an accurate mirror reflecting the true condition of our hearts. Our complaints against others (especially God's elect) truly are complaints against God! What I need to remember and what the Children of Israel tended to forget was that giving into the weakness of the flesh to complain against others travels directly to the ears of God! That to me is a very sobering thought!

Blessings,

El Roi

Today was the first day of the Reading Through the Bible in 90 Days Challenge. These first 16 chapters of Genesis reminded me of the thoughtful blueprint for creation that starts at Genesis 1:1 and reveals the relational nature of God as He lovingly creates a habitation for Adam and Eve; beautiful garden not just for them to enjoy and care for but a place for The LORD of all creation to walk in and visit along with the couple of His creation.
As I finished up my daily reading chapter sixteen grabbed my heart. The story of the outcast, unwanted Haggar touched me so deeply. I found it easy to relate to this woman who wondered at times if God really saw her.
She gave this name to the LORD who spoke to her: "You are the God who sees me," for she said "I have now seen" the One who sees me. Genesis 16:13.
Haggar had met El Roi at the point of her greatest need and over the past couple of months I too have been touched deeply by the knowledge that God sees me and hears my voice at the point of my greatest need. He is El Roi-the God Who Sees Me.
Blessings

Faith Like Jacob

I don't have many words these days, though I have tried to write on several occasions. I am in an introspective mood. I feel like Jacob wrestling with God. I CAN'T, I just can't let go until I receive the blessing!
There are things that God has promised and God will deliver on those promises-in His time. God's timing is very rarely~ okay God's timing is never my timing but it is nice to know all I have to do is endure in the race, to press in and press on! If God has promised He will deliver on His promises and nothing can keep them from coming to pass but I need to pace myself in this race.
The danger is getting discouraged along the way, loosing sight of the victory. Jacob didn't do that. He grabbed on for dear life and refused to give up! Jacob held on through fatigue and injury keeping a death grip on God and as a result he received God's blessing. For Jacob that blessing meant a new identity in God.
The enemy is going to be most active the closer I get to the goal. The track is laid out before me but that doesn't mean he isn't going to throw obstacles my way. The closer I get to the goal, the more he has to lose! So whatever it is you are believing God for press on in faith and don't let go! God is faithful.
Blessings,